West Michigan Forecast

This just in....still fucking cold. There is finally some fucking snow to go with the fucking frigid weather. Doesn't look like this fucking winter will let up anytime soon. Drink some fucking hot coacoa and shut the fuck up.

Blago My Eggo

A new presidency has gripped the nation and Obama fever is spreading like the black plague (no pun intended). The people have spoken. The nation is hungry for change but the people of Illoinois are caught up in Al Capone like politics, because of a funny little man with big hair has been shitting all over the American dream.
Democratic Govenor Rod Blagojevich, A.K.A. Blago, has shown the nation that the liberals are just as corrupt as anyone else. My question for the media is: "Why are we not putting emphasis on the title Democrat?" If this were a Republican, I can assure you that the Dems would be lining up around the block to throw stones at this sinner.
If this is how things are done in Chi Town, I have to wonder what Obama is going to bring to the table. It seems that our president knows more crooks than your average convict. Perhaps Obama was and is a beacon in troubled waters. A bright light surrounded by nothing more than cold, dark waters. Or perhaps Obama is like the first time criminal who goes off to prison a pup and comes out a mad dog. A pup with no experience that has learned from the most rotten dregs in society, politicians from Chicago.

A Prayer To God

Dear God,

Please Lord forgive me for my sins. There are so many of them that I wouldn't know where to start. So please just forgive them all. Anyways, down to brass tax. I started this prayer for a reason. I need to talk to you about the Steelers. Now God, I can't be held accountable for my actions if they lose. You may just have a couple of souls up there a little early if the Cards win.
Here is what I'm proposing. You make it an exciting game where the Steelers win in the end and I won't kill anyone. I'll stop drinking and driving(ha ha, he doesn't know that I don't drive). And I'll stop masturbating....all over the place.
In the name of Jesus Christ, who died for our sins, Amen.

Obama Nanny Makes Accusations

America has a new president. A man with strong family values. Someone that we can all look up to. But is there another side that we don't know? Could he possibly have skeletons in the closet like many of us.
A former nanny for the Obamas, Kelli McDonald, has come out with some contraversial accusations. According to McDonald, Oprah Winfrey and President Obama have been having an affair since September 2006. The family nanny started working for the Obamas in January 2006 and was relieved of her duties for allegedly stealing Barack Obama's boxer shorts in late October 2007.
I caught up with McDonald and was able to have a brief interview. I really wanted to get to the heart of the story. I was anxious to see if there was any truth and validity in her statements.

Interviewer: "So Kelli, may I call you Kelli?"
McDonald: "Baby, you can call me anything you want."
Interviewer: "Ok Kelli, tell me your side of the story."
McDonald: "Miss Michelle was out of town. I was helping the girls with their homework when
I heard Oprah's voice coming from Senator Obama's room.
Interviewer: "Is it safe to say that Obama was watching Oprah on T.V? I mean it was after
school. Maybe about 4:00?"
McDonald: "Ah, ah, no. See here's the thing, I went to investigate and saw them going at it. 'He
said that he was going to give her some change that would drive her wild.' Now that's some change I could use, woot woot."
Interviewer: "Please Kelli, lets try to keep this professional. Can you explain getting fired over
boxer shorts? It seems to me that you may be disgruntled."
McDonald: "Disgruntled, are you kidding me? I was trying to proove that Obama was
sleeping with Oprah. I figured that if I could get the shorts to a lab, they could find
Oprah's DNA.

This is one reporter who is convinced. Miss McDonald acted like a patriot when she tried to show America that we are being fooled by a two timing prick. If he is two timing his wife, who says that he won't two time us. McDonald will probably be ridiculed by the media. She should be honored by our nation.

Savage Dating Service- My Friend Brent Is Now Signed Up Ladies!

My name is Brent Vaalburg. I'm 23 years young and know what a woman likes. I currently go to school at GRCC and have a job working for my idol, Doug. I'm good with computers and mechanics. But I'm not here to talk about boring stuff. I want the ladies to know about the real Brent. My friends call me "The Little Bull" or "Big Ted" because my cock is huge. A woman never leaves my bed unsatisfied. I go at it from dusk till dawn. You may have problems walking the next morning.
I'm a gambling man....Love to play Texas Hold Em. One thing you can bet on is that I'm gonna be in that honey box of yours, balls deep. Another thing that you can bet on is that if I drink too much, I'll piss all over you in the middle of the night. Some chicks are into that kinda thing. I think you will adapt.
If you want to call me on my cell, go ahead girl. The digits are 616-283-1572. You can also find me wasting away at the Poker Zone. Peace Bitches!

I strongly encourage those who read this to prank my friend.

5 Ways To Fight A Gorilla

5) With boxing gloves
4) With a samurai sword
3) With the help of Jean Claude Van Damme
2) With the big boxing gloves that look really funny.
1) Why would you want to fight a gorilla? That's fucked up.

The Super Bowl

The playoffs have come to an end. Two teams have conquered and will move on. Kurt Warner,age 67, will try and pull off a cinderella victory. Is it possible to run the ball on that savage Defense that wants to kill you and your entire faimily? Can Arizona's offense match the intensity of the Steeler's D? Can the Cards stop Pittsburgh's running game? These are all the questions one should contemplate when deciding who will win The Lord's game.
The Arizona Cardinals win the NFC. This team is a fluke and does not belong in the Super Bowl. The whole year we've had to hear the talking heads tell us that the NFC is better. Now with the big game on the horizon we are faced with a team that finished the regular season 9-7. Where did all the great teams go? How did they allow this team from the desert to represent them?
The Steelers have won the AFC championship which my gut tells me will be more exciting than the Super Bowl. Another two weeks for the Steelers to rest so that they can annihilate anything that moves. Like my good friend Benny Gonads said, "Steel kills birds." Black and Gold steel will kill the red birds on game day.
Football is a funny sport and often throws curve balls at the viewer. The only truth is in the game itself. That is why the heads and fans have predicted the number one seeds to go to the Super Bowl every year. It is easy to jump on the band wagon.
Steelers win the Super bowl 30-21!

West Michigan Forecast

It's still going to be fucking cold. Looks like the fucking cold isn't going anywhere soon. Bundle the fuck up. Stay the fuck indoors. You'd be fucking crazy to go out in this shit.

Playoffs, Playoffs?

Hello sports fans. Another exciting week in the playoffs wrapped up. My predictions were, how do I say....accurate. Too bad I'm not a degenerate who gambles. I'm just a degenerate who drinks.
The Eagles/Giants game was no surprise. Fans forget that the number one seed loses quite often. Example- The Giants won last year. I hate listening to the talking heads all year long predicting the super bowl. Did anyone really think that New York and Tennessee would play in the greatest game against one another?
Philly fans, Philly fans, Philly fans. I don't know what to say. I guess if I were you or a part of your fraternity, I'd be embarrased. Advice- Don't bitch about how bad your team sucks until they're excluded from the playoffs. The Eagles are going to their 5th NFC Championship in 8 years. Congrats Andy and Donovan. Idea- ship all of the unworthy, spineless, cowardly, shit talking fans to Jersey where they have no team. Better yet, ship them to Detroit so that they have something to bitch about.
Can anyone say holy fucking shit? The Arizona Cardinals are hosting the NFC Championship. Someone pinch me because this must be a wet dream. I have been rooting Arizona on for years now. 3 reasons: I love Phoenix, the uniforms are cool, and if the Cards can do it than Goddamnit the Lions can to.
Baltimore, why would I waste a paragraph on the Ravens? Fuck Flacco, fuck Reid, fuck Ray Lewis the murderer, Fuck their old coach and fuck their new coach, fuck their number 2 defense, fuck the city which is a really nice place, fuck the fans, fuck that fat son of a bitch, Saragusa, who used to play for them. Oops, I used up a paragraph on Baltimore.
I've always saved the best for last and the best are in the magical land of Pittsburgh. The Steelers are a force to be reckoned with. Doubt these words if you wish but Pittsburgh wins the Super Bowl this year. Fortunately, the Steelers have home field advantage in what is going to be a street fight. This will be the most physical game ever in the long history of the Lord's favorite game. "On the 7th day there was football!" Abe 3:16.
If I had my wish, it would be a Pennsylvania super bowl. Hell, we could have it at my high school. That would be weird. However, I don't foresee the Eagles beating the Cards. Arizona is on a role(not to be confused with Samari Rolle). They have the best receiving core and a great leader in Kurt Warner and their defense is actually solid.
Pittsburgh beats Baltimore 21-20. Arizona beats Philadelphia 34-17.

A Letter Written By A Poor A Black Man To His Mother

Dear Mama,

Gots to be bout hundred out on da farm. Sun be cookin like Aunt Bessie's corn bread on da Lord's day. Uhm Goodness. We be doin bout as good as fleas runnin up the stream wid da craw daddies. Ain't no ho daddy gonna spank my behind on down to da stream. Uhm Goodness.
Ole Leon Dempsey been stormin round like some kinda white devil. Boy got himself tangled up in da sticka bush. Uhm Goodness. Gots to bring it on down to da creek. Ain't got no water ain't got no soul. Shit, da man be runnin us up a rope. Bouts to be runnin dat rope some place else. Uhm Goodness.
Da woman be fussin bout nother little one. Says she ain't got no time for no more babies. "Woman," I says, "Don't be ridin no bus widout no paper in yo hand." Uhm Goodness. She know dat dis one mofo widout any sense anough to think twice. Mights got to run a cord upside dat bitches' head. Sorry Mama.
Crops be cummin long good. Melons be bout as ripe as I eva did see em. Ole farmer's son be smashin em up at night. Don't make no sense wastin good melon. If he was my boy, I'd beat him til da sun go down and up again. Uhm Goodness. Ain't much more to write about out here on da farm. Be keepin in touch. Uhm Goodness!

Love yo baby,
Reggie

Breaking The Law

Early February of 2001 was about the time that I was released from county jail in Pittsburgh after ninety days of rehabilitation. I couldn't ask for better weather. It was cold, snowy, and icy. That was just fine for this jail bird who had been released from his cage.
The old gang was about to be reunited with its missing croney. One thing I knew was that heavy drinking would commence shortly after my release. And it did. And it continued for several days until the shit house went up in flames.
Sunday nights in Pittsburgh, Pa are just as good as any other night to drink. Karoake bars are full of dreadful singing and easy women. Drinks are cheap and if you so desire you can be a rockstar for a brief moment in time. We were rock stars that Sunday night.
It was our turn to sing. The karoake DJ was calling for Vinny Jones and Benny Gonads. Two savage bastards that had no reason to be singing. Two drunks preparing themselves for a duet. The song was "Breaking The Law". We slaughtered the rebelious song, chugged a pitcher of beer a piece, and were ready for home.
The crew of degenerates piled in the car and took off into the night. We had no idea what was in store for us but we would soon find out. Benny Gonads, the captain of this ship, set his sails for home. Rough waters lyed ahead. The route that we traveled took us down a long and winding road. On one side of the road was a cliff that would surely take us plummeting to our death. On the other side was a terraced mountain. Stones were set in the wall to prevent erosion from wiping out motorist below.
The radio was blearing some punk band I've heard many times but can not recall. The car was flying around bends. Hysterical laughter filled the car like a thick smoke. Suddenly, everything came to a screaching halt. I remember saying to myself, "Are we here already?" I stepped out of the vehicle to find that the car was imbedded into the side of the mountain. Stones were toppled over onto the hood. The smell of radiator fluid sent a chill up my spine as it has countless times.
The scene of any serious car accident is one of confusion. How did this happen? Is everyone still alive? Where in the hell is the passenger who sat in front of me?
Time to figure this one out. The police would be on their way and time was a factor. We were missing our friend, Jody(passenger sitting shotgun), but after further inspection we realized he must have bolted from the scene. He was on probation and his carcass was nowhere to be found. A likely sign that he was gone. A tow truck magically came around the bend with no cop in sight. A sense of urgency came over benny and myself. If we were going to save Benny from a DUI, then the tow truck driver needed to work fast.
The chains were connected and the truck was pulling but the car wasn't budging. Not that easy to remove a car from the earth. Definately takes time which we had run out of. A cop came around the bend not expecting a car accident. Later the cop stated that he just happened to be in the area. Benny was arrested for DUI and I was given a ride home from the Man.
The police were able to assume from the impact and lack of tire marks that we were travling roughly 35mph when we struck the wall. There was no breaking. One moment Benny is looking at Jody and laughing and the next we were part of a wall.

5 Ways To Not Cum Early

5) Think about sports
4) Think about your bills
3) Think about your parents having sex
2) Think about having a catheder shoved in your piss hole
1) Think about your parents shoving a catheder in your piss hole

West Michigan Forecast

It's going to be fucking cold. There will be a lot of fucking snow. Fortunately, global warming will allow a nice day in a couple of weeks but then it's going to be fucking cold again. There will also be more fucking snow.

Greenland? I Heard I'ts Nice This Time Of Year

Tonight, seated comfortably in my recliner, I watched Current T.V. do a story on global warming in Greenland. A country not used to much vegitation. A country so frigidly cold that they have been supported by Demark, they're parent country, since their existance.
However, change may be in the air for the folks up north. Or in the ozone. Apparently we can't deny it anymore. Fields are green and ice is melting. This once frozen island in the north is becoming the next place to send your daughter on spring break to get raped and killed.
In the show, the young reporter walks into a party store and buys a beer made with freshly, melted, glacier water. He remarks after sipping the beer, "Global Warming never tasted so sweet."
Business seems to be booming in Greenland. As a matter of fact, an ungodly amount of oil and natural gas lie in the depths of this icy land. Denmark wants to start drilling soon. Greenland wants independence soon. Why now? Why not fifty years ago? Pretty obvious to this observer of the media, Money. The old saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you!", comes to mind right now. If I were Demark, I'd request all of the money lent to Greenland plus interest like a mortgage. It was lent now you owe.
The undeniable truth is that we are all going to die. You may die from melanoma or you could be killed having a spicy love affair. However, global warming will never be the official cause of your death. Let us embrace global warming. Let us dance in the streets like children high on sugar. As Americans, we deserve to feel rays from the sun beat down on us in the middle of winter.

West Michigan Man At It Again

A west Michigan man, Abraham Young, was awarded the key to the city by the mayor of Grand Rapids Monday night. Young, who you may remember from our story last week,"Man Saves Dog From Aligator" acted heroiclly again. On January 2nd, Young walked into his local bank branch to find a robbery taking place. Five men wearing halloween masks bearing the faces of former presidents were armed and demanding money. Not panicking, he managed to subdue all five men with his knowledge of cheesy movies from the early nineties. Luckily, Keanou Reeves and Gary Busey were there to assist in the arrest.
Young was asked to give a statement to the press later that evening. "Ah, where do I start. I'd like to thank Mr. Reeves and Mr. Busey. They were a big help. I'd like to thank God for getting me through this and ask him why these things keep on happening to me. (press room chuckles) Most importantly, I'd like to thank the creaters of Point Break. Without that movie as a guide, I wouldn't have known what to do in this kind of situation. Thank you."
A bank teller who wished to remain anonymous had this to say, "I feel safer knowing that he is out there. He is an American hero and he is so handsome."
Abraham Young will also be given a $10,000 cash reward. This will probably be spent on his costly drinking habit.

"Playoffs, playoffs?"

Hello sports fans and welcome to another blog entry from your favorite savage. Wild card weekend is wrapped up. What have we learned after this week in the NFL? Well, we learned not to trust my predictions because they are shit. I had both the Cardinals and the Chargers losing. Two out of four isn't bad.

The Divisional playoffs are next. In my opinion, the best week in the NFL. Every game will be a rematch from the regular season- exciting. The Steelers take on San Diego. In the words of the great Ron Burgandy, "Fuck You San Diego!" And in the words of the great Abraham Young, "Fuck You San Diego! If The Steelers lose this one I'm going on a killing spree." Lets hope and pray that the number 1 defense destroys Rivers and Ladainian Tomlinson. Forgive me for not calling him "L.T.", there is only one "L.T." Pittsburgh will crush San Diego.

The other AFC game, Baltimore at Tennessee, scares the living shit right out of my spinchter. If Pittsburgh wins they face the winner of this matchup. Baltimore, a divisional rival, has been beaten by Pittsburgh twice this year. Could they do it a third time? Baltimore always seems to have the Steelers number and they will come to play. On the other hand you have the Titans. A rough and tough team. Pittsburgh suffered one of its losses to Tennessee in the regular season. A game that decided home field advantage throughout the playoffs. I have faith that no matter what happens the Steelers will prevail.

On to the NFC. Is anyone else happy that The Vikings lost. Not only does this make for a great matchup between Philadelphia and New York but we don't have to watch Tavaris Jackson. New York-Philly, this one is going to be fun. Philly fans should be embarrased after all the shit they talked about McNabb. If they win this one it's off to their 5th NFC Championship under their current administration. I'm hoping that the Giants shoot themselves in the leg just like Plaxico Burress did. A Pennsylvania super bowl is all I want for Christmas.

The Panthers host the Cardinals. I'm torn here. On one hand you have the Cardinals who won their first game in the playoffs since 1947. You almost have to root for them to win their second. I love teams that have been terrible forever and turn it around. Arizona allows Lions fans to believe. On the other hand you have Carolina. Steve Smith is an explosive player. Very much like Heinz Ward, Smith not only catches the ball, he also blocks and lays on a helluva hit. I'm not rooting for either team. I just want to see a great game.

My predictions for the Divisional playoffs: Pittsburgh beats San Diego. Baltimore beats Tennessee. Arizona upsets Carolina. Philadelphia beats New York. No predictions on the spread this week.

Destroy The Internet!

Recently I have joined the 21st century. May I say that it is a rotten period in civilization. We must conform. We must obey. We must float like a feather unharmed, untouched, and hardly scathed. Hardly scathed? This is the root of all evil. Buy your ticket and take the ride. We are all in this together.
The Internet, and I dare call it that, is our God. We have finally done it. We have created Pandora's box , and have given it the greatest power ever. The power to never forget. The power to allow all. Finally, it can respond. Big Brother is amongst us. No turning back. No running away. They can sense you, smell you, taste you. Hypocriacy I do not preach. For I have become a victim.

Whiskey!

Whiskey, bourbon, sour mash. A potent drug made from the hill people of the Appalachians. A relief for the many downtrodden. An escape from the every day horrors of family, work, and the stresses of life. The hair of the dog. Grand Father's medicine.
Why is this juice so potent? As I drink and write these words- I dream of the demons within. The day has become night. The night has become 2 in the morning. And still, I sit waiting for the ride. The ride to nowhere. The ride that takes me back to my adolescense. The ride that reminds me of who I am.

Random Thoughts

Farts stink. I'm not a big fan of cats. Beer, no matter what kind, usually taste good. Dogs are cute. Music is better when it is annoying others. Jesus died for our sins. A penis is a strange animal that looks very much like a penis. I think that I may be a pirate. A vagina pirate. When did I decide to be a pirate of genitals? Is this me or an imposter? What has become of this fucking blog? Have I succumbed to the dirty, filfthy internet? Am I what I have always despised? I speak of the enemy, I speak of the sheep, and I speak of those who accept this punishment. Where is my escape?

The Cabby

The year was 1998. It was a cold, December night in Pittsburgh, PA. The time was 1:30 A.M. My late friend, Joe Judson, and I were low on cash and looking for some cheap diner food. The bus was dangerously close to shutting down for the night. With no way home we set off on an adventure via the bus.
We arrived at Denny's with $17.oo, reaking of strong drink and looking like something the cat dragged in. My hair had a bleach blond stripe running down the middle. Joe was sporting blue hair and neither one of us were wearing the kind of attire that people at Denny's would find suitable. Especially at this god awful hour in the morning.
It was time to split and we were stranded. We had $5.00 left. What to do? "I have an idea!", I said. "Lets order a taxi and ditch the ride about three blocks from home. The idea sounded genius to Joe. I made the call from the pay phone and the taxi was there in ten minutes. It was game time.
Now the trick to ditching a cab is very simple. You must become friends with the cabby. You have to take on the Michael Corleone approach. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Tell him whatever he wants to hear. We told him that we had a couple of easy girls waiting for us. This interested him. Now if I know cabbies and I like to think that I do. Then I know that they like to talk about perverted topics. This reminded him of a story of his own. Pretending to listen we were both plotting our escape. "Hey buddy, we need to stop and get some smokes at the BP gas station. Do you mind stopping?", I asked. Response, "No, not a problem. I need to use the pay phone anyways." This was our chance.
The BP was a 1/4 of a mile from our apartment. We strolled inside and purchased our cigarettes. There was no turning back. It was now or never. We walked out into the cold and headed the opposite direction of the taxi. He wasn't fooled and immeadiately gave chase. We ran. The cabby knew that he had a better chance of catching us if he got out on foot.
Now I've never been much of an athlete and running is definately not one of my favorite things to do. Joe was gone with the wind and I was left in the dust. The cabby was gaining on me. My lungs were on fire and the cold air was not aiding me in any way. I had to stop to catch my breath. Meanwhile, the cabby is running with a mag light and screaming simultaneusly, "How does it feel to get your fucking head bashed in for $7.00?" How do you answer a crazed lunatic when you can't even breath?
With lung capacity back at 30% and the cabby only ten yards away, it was time to start running.This enraged him and his cries began to take on a demonic sound. There was hatred deeply seeded in this man. Killing me seemed to take presidence over the cash. Fortunately, I was able to escape this mad man and live to tell the story of the mag light waving cabby.

In Memory Of My Friend- Joseph Judson

5 Ways To Make Home Made Pizza

5) In the nude
4) In the nude with your family
3) with a monkey
2) with a monkey while watching Family Feud
1) In the nude with your family and a monkey while watching Family Feud

Man Saves Dog From Aligator

A west Michigan man, Abraham Young(29), had quite an exciting Christmas this year. Young was on vacation in Florida when he witnessed a black lab being attacked by an aligator. Bystanders said that Young came to the rescue by repeatedly bashing a steel rod off the gator's head. One man said, "It was unlike anything I've ever seen. He was agile like a tiger. He had the strength of a bear. He is a true American hero." The dog was fine and seemed to be very thankful. Then it bit its owner for not helping. Young was quoted saying, "Yeah I saw that little fucker gettin all chewed up. Hell, I had no choice. It was like God said get on over there dude. Its just a gator man. That's when I knew I had to do something. Aside from that I hate fucking gators. One killed my cousin back in 84."

5 Ways Not To Run A Marathon

5) On crack
4) With a head full of acid
3) While having sex
2) While masturbating
1) While masturbating someone else's genitals