The year was 1996 and spring was upon us. The world was alive once again with the sounds of birds chirping and the smell of green grass being mowed. The small town of Franklin, Pa resting deeply in the valley was not ready or prepared for what was about to be unleashed on it.
It was a Friday morning in mid May when I awoke in a bathtub, holding a half empty beer and covered in my own urine. At 17 years of age I had been accustomed to waking up in strange places, losing half the night before from drinking excessively and taking strong drugs. I managed to drag myself out of the tub, chugged my flat beer, and exited the restroom in order to make some kind of sense out of my bewilderment.
James Ryan Edwards, the craziest son of a bitch that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, was yelling and carrying on about only God knows what. There he was with his bleach blond hair accompanied by his bleach blond eyebrows and that look. Oh God that look of mischief and hatred. I knew instantly that this was not going to be a good morning.
The seniors had their class trip and I being a junior was already a half an hour late for school. James was a senior and it was tradition for all of the kids to go to a diner called Kings before they reported to the school for their field trip. We needed a ride but found it very difficult to convince our fellow students to help us out. We were down to one last car of kids parked in front of the the house where we had crashed that night. We were in luck. They were willing to give us a ride to the diner and to school. I would be somewhat late but I would have a stomach full of breakfast food, hot damn.
Suddenly everything changed dramaticaly when James dropped his pants and started pissing on the vehicle that we were about to board. Our ride sped off leaving us standing on the main road in this town of 10,000 residents. Motorist drove by slowly as my friend held his manhood and screamed at the top of his lungs. We were in trouble and I knew it but there was no turning back. At this point it was sink or swim and I was not going down without some kind of public disturbance that would burn the locals.
A man in a truck came to a complete stop when James walked in front of him with his pants around his ankles. He then jumped onto the hood of the vehicle and planted his ass on the windshield. This was my cue. I ran to the driver side of the truck and pounded on the window screaming, "Get the fuck out of the truck. We need to comandeer it. Get the fuck out of the truck before we kill you." Fortunately for the drivers' sake and ours he remained in his seat with the door locked.
Little did we know that a retired police officer, who lived next door, was calling the cops as this was all going down. This was before the days of cell phones which meant you usually had a better chance of escaping the law. Before I knew it we were surrounded by the boys in blue. Nowhere to go but in the back of the police cruiser. As I sat in the back of the car I watched the cops try to arrest James. He was definitely resisting with his pants still around his ankles and lying face first on the sidewalk with his limbs spread eagle to make it more difficult for the police to pick him up. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically like some kind of demon who knows that good has prevailed.
In the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvanina they have (or had) a rule that 17 year olds can't wait it out in a cell. So there I sat waiting for my mother and listening to James call the cops every name in the book. I couldn't see him but his cell was 12 feet ahead of me and off to my left. All of the sudden a stream of piss was being shot out from his cell like a statue in a fountain. A puddle started to form on the floor right before my eyes. "Clean that up you fucking pigs!", James demanded. And sure enough some poor rookie still wet behind the ears came over with a mop and bucket and cleaned the floor of my dear friend's yellow fluid.
Now if you have never been picked up by your parents at the county jail, let me tell you it is not something that you look forward to. When they arrive they always have that look of being completely and emotionally drained. I am not a parent myself and can't really fathom how it must feel to receive that call.
I sat their full of anxiety when I felt an itch on my head. That was when I discovered that half of my head had been shaved right down the middle. I had hair on my right side and nothing on the left. "What is my mother going to think?", I asked myself. That was when I heard the big steel door buzz, lock release, and open. There my mother stood staring at me with that same old defeated look and tears in her eyes. She wasn't sobbing. Just a subtle cry that would break any son's heart.
James and I both faced the Magistrate. I was sentenced to rehab for 37 days and James received probation. Magistrate Billingsly made it clear that we were savage drunks with no decency or respect for mankind. There may have been some truth to that because I really didn't give a shit about anything back then.
*Now read this story again and think about my head being half shaved.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
ABC Having Problems With "The View"
Tempers are flaring on the set of the "New View". Already the new host have been at each others' throats. Day time television is going through a rude awakening. Viewers are concerned whether they should be tuning into different programs while they're children are present.
Since the debut the women on the show have been out for blood. Threats during the filming and in the dressing rooms have created substantial problems for the excutive producer Abraham Young.
Young was reached for a comment and said this, "These girls have to get it under contol. We in the business were not expecting a complete fall out in the beginning." ABC is under fire for hiring amateures and may lose sponsors.
The women on the show however are not backing down. Kelsie Van Dyke was quoted saying, "If McDonald and Boonstra want to go to war then I will bring them a war! If those bitches think they're going to get more muhlaa, then they are fucking crazy!"
As a journalists, I have to ask what has become of us? Friends given the opportunity to prosper and what have they done? They have turned on one another like the barn yard animals in "The Animal Farm".
Since the debut the women on the show have been out for blood. Threats during the filming and in the dressing rooms have created substantial problems for the excutive producer Abraham Young.
Young was reached for a comment and said this, "These girls have to get it under contol. We in the business were not expecting a complete fall out in the beginning." ABC is under fire for hiring amateures and may lose sponsors.
The women on the show however are not backing down. Kelsie Van Dyke was quoted saying, "If McDonald and Boonstra want to go to war then I will bring them a war! If those bitches think they're going to get more muhlaa, then they are fucking crazy!"
As a journalists, I have to ask what has become of us? Friends given the opportunity to prosper and what have they done? They have turned on one another like the barn yard animals in "The Animal Farm".
Monday, February 23, 2009
ABC Hires All New Cast For The View
ABC's show "The View", known for its cattiness, has pulled a 180 degree turn on its viewers. Everybody from Barbara Walters on down to Whoopi has been fired and replaced with five beautiful women from Holland Michigan. The new panel consists of Kelsie Van Dyke, Kelli McDonald, Erika Jones, Mary Boonstra, and Jenna Voogd. Apparently issues over contracts and a drop in ratings was enough for Executive Producer Abraham Young.
Many have asked why these five and who are they? What are their credentials? According to ABC they have none. The media heads have decided to take a different approach and hire a group of friends to see how long it takes them to rip each others heads off. Young was quoted saying. "I think it's a great idea. I know these girls personally and if anyone can do it, its these five. We'll have them go from best friends to arch nemesis over night. The best part of it is that we save over $100 Million."
There is no decision yet on who will host and co-host the show. Rumors are flying around Hollywood and many say that Mary Boonstra has the job. Others say that "The View" is looking for a host with a more conservative manner and may go with McDonald having Boonstra as the outspoken side kick. Already Jones, Voogd, and Van Dyke have complained about thier fear of not getting as much of the spot light. An anonymous source has leaked information pertaining to salaries and has Boonstra and McDonald making $10 million more a year.
We reached Mary Boonstra and were able to quote her, "Listen dude, this is a once in a life time opportunity. We're all making moolah here. If those other bitches have a problem with how much I'm making, bring it." Erika Jones was reached for a comment and said, "Oh, its been broughten Bitch!"
This may be a ticking time bomb. How long will these young ladies be able to maintain? There will be drama and it will be entertaining.
Many have asked why these five and who are they? What are their credentials? According to ABC they have none. The media heads have decided to take a different approach and hire a group of friends to see how long it takes them to rip each others heads off. Young was quoted saying. "I think it's a great idea. I know these girls personally and if anyone can do it, its these five. We'll have them go from best friends to arch nemesis over night. The best part of it is that we save over $100 Million."
There is no decision yet on who will host and co-host the show. Rumors are flying around Hollywood and many say that Mary Boonstra has the job. Others say that "The View" is looking for a host with a more conservative manner and may go with McDonald having Boonstra as the outspoken side kick. Already Jones, Voogd, and Van Dyke have complained about thier fear of not getting as much of the spot light. An anonymous source has leaked information pertaining to salaries and has Boonstra and McDonald making $10 million more a year.
We reached Mary Boonstra and were able to quote her, "Listen dude, this is a once in a life time opportunity. We're all making moolah here. If those other bitches have a problem with how much I'm making, bring it." Erika Jones was reached for a comment and said, "Oh, its been broughten Bitch!"
This may be a ticking time bomb. How long will these young ladies be able to maintain? There will be drama and it will be entertaining.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
New Guy In Town
I moved to Holland, Mi in January 2002 at the age of 22. Being used to moving through out my life I found it very easy to meet friends. The first person that I met was a girl named Mccenzie. She was a nice girl and was kind enough to invite me to her house party during Tulip Time(a tulip festival held in Holland). Kegs of Oberon and strange faces surrounded me. Fortunately for my excessive drinking habit I was able to strike up some conversations and have a good time. I ended up drinking quite a bit and blacked out.
Now blacking out is nothing new for this drunk. How does the old saying go? "If you remember everything then you didn't have a good time." I have lived my life by those words. Blacking out can be a bad thing though when your mind isn't familiar with a new area.
The last thing I remember at the party was slapping a young lady's ass and being asked to leave. The next thing I remembered was waking up in an apartment where I didn't belong. Yes my friends this humble man who writes to you pulled a Robert Downey Jr. I awoke but naked and in a puddle of piss. The room was pitch dark. I stood to turn on the light and that was when I saw the hall light shine under the door entering the apartment. A sense of panic hit me like a freight train. The minute amount of light was just enough for me to make out the room that I was standing naked in. Quickly I gathered my clothes which made a trail to the front door. I was just about to walk out the door when curiosity took over. I had to figure this out. Where am I?
With a sense of urgency bearing down on me, I decided to look for pictures of the person or persons who lived in this place. The only pictures I saw were of a middle aged Mexican couple. Alright, time to bail before the heat comes down on me I thought. I left the apartment and walked down a flight of stairs that resembled the stairs in my own building. I walked out of the building and approached the nearest street sign to see where I was. 13th St. and College. I lived on 14th St. and Central two blocks away.
I went home, drank a couple of beers, and went back to sleep. The next morning I awoke and still suffered from curiosity. Maybe I left with someone I thought. It was time to make the dreadful phone call to my friend Mccenzie. I wanted to figure out whether or not I had left alone. Mccenzie informed me that I had left by myself stummbling down the sidewalk.
To this day it is still a mystery to me. Perhaps someone found me and gave me a place to sleep. That is highly unlikely considering that I was naked. I must have just wondered into the apartment unconsiuosly.
Now blacking out is nothing new for this drunk. How does the old saying go? "If you remember everything then you didn't have a good time." I have lived my life by those words. Blacking out can be a bad thing though when your mind isn't familiar with a new area.
The last thing I remember at the party was slapping a young lady's ass and being asked to leave. The next thing I remembered was waking up in an apartment where I didn't belong. Yes my friends this humble man who writes to you pulled a Robert Downey Jr. I awoke but naked and in a puddle of piss. The room was pitch dark. I stood to turn on the light and that was when I saw the hall light shine under the door entering the apartment. A sense of panic hit me like a freight train. The minute amount of light was just enough for me to make out the room that I was standing naked in. Quickly I gathered my clothes which made a trail to the front door. I was just about to walk out the door when curiosity took over. I had to figure this out. Where am I?
With a sense of urgency bearing down on me, I decided to look for pictures of the person or persons who lived in this place. The only pictures I saw were of a middle aged Mexican couple. Alright, time to bail before the heat comes down on me I thought. I left the apartment and walked down a flight of stairs that resembled the stairs in my own building. I walked out of the building and approached the nearest street sign to see where I was. 13th St. and College. I lived on 14th St. and Central two blocks away.
I went home, drank a couple of beers, and went back to sleep. The next morning I awoke and still suffered from curiosity. Maybe I left with someone I thought. It was time to make the dreadful phone call to my friend Mccenzie. I wanted to figure out whether or not I had left alone. Mccenzie informed me that I had left by myself stummbling down the sidewalk.
To this day it is still a mystery to me. Perhaps someone found me and gave me a place to sleep. That is highly unlikely considering that I was naked. I must have just wondered into the apartment unconsiuosly.
Shitting And Pissing In Funny Places
Ever since I was a child I have found it amusing and very entertaining to relieve myself in weird places. My fascination started in elementary school when I leaked the lizard right next to my 2nd grade teacher's desk before class started. She had no idea and either did my classmates. But I knew and it left me with a sense of satisfaction. The carpet bore a large stain and my teacher wondered how it got there.
Another time in highschool I had a human shield, consisting of other troubled teens, stand around me while I pissed on a desk during the middle of class. Let me tell you friends, it is hard not to laugh hysterically when pulling a prank of this nature especially when the teacher is in the class room.
When I was 12 I filled an empty Coke can with my urine and poured it on my friend's cousin while he slept. Why would I do something that cruel you may ask yourself. I don't know. Sometimes even I don't know how my mind works.
Pissing in random places evolved into the much funnier art of defecating in bizarre places. Places where people would never expect to see piles of shit. For instance, at the age of 18 and a freshman in college, I took a dump in the shower stall of our dormitory bathroom. I was awfully drunk and under the influence of drugs but that doesn't change anything. I would have done it sober in a heartbeat. I still imagine what the poor cleaning lady must have thought. I wonder how her face expressed her shock at the sight of my feces.
Speaking of pooping. I was 18 when I had my first apartment. There was a laundromat in the complex and it was open 24 hours a day. Now the laundry room had no cameras which was their first problem. Who doesn't have cameras in a laundromat? So one night while under the influence, me and a couple of buddies squatted and unloaded on the laundromat floor leaving three large, steaming piles. Laughter consumed our bodies to the point that it was hard to walk.
Shitting and pissing in public places is just what I do. If I know I can get away with it, chances are that I will. Maybe there is something wrong with my brain. Perhaps I am not entirely sane. But you have to admit, it is kind of funny.
Another time in highschool I had a human shield, consisting of other troubled teens, stand around me while I pissed on a desk during the middle of class. Let me tell you friends, it is hard not to laugh hysterically when pulling a prank of this nature especially when the teacher is in the class room.
When I was 12 I filled an empty Coke can with my urine and poured it on my friend's cousin while he slept. Why would I do something that cruel you may ask yourself. I don't know. Sometimes even I don't know how my mind works.
Pissing in random places evolved into the much funnier art of defecating in bizarre places. Places where people would never expect to see piles of shit. For instance, at the age of 18 and a freshman in college, I took a dump in the shower stall of our dormitory bathroom. I was awfully drunk and under the influence of drugs but that doesn't change anything. I would have done it sober in a heartbeat. I still imagine what the poor cleaning lady must have thought. I wonder how her face expressed her shock at the sight of my feces.
Speaking of pooping. I was 18 when I had my first apartment. There was a laundromat in the complex and it was open 24 hours a day. Now the laundry room had no cameras which was their first problem. Who doesn't have cameras in a laundromat? So one night while under the influence, me and a couple of buddies squatted and unloaded on the laundromat floor leaving three large, steaming piles. Laughter consumed our bodies to the point that it was hard to walk.
Shitting and pissing in public places is just what I do. If I know I can get away with it, chances are that I will. Maybe there is something wrong with my brain. Perhaps I am not entirely sane. But you have to admit, it is kind of funny.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Mayor of Ann Arbor sued for Sexual Harrasment
Mayor David Villaverde known for his shenanigans has done it again voters. A woman named Anita Lopez is claiming that the mayor touched her in a way that was innapropriate. Lopez's attorneys filed suit today in district court. The mayor was reached for comment, "So I grabbed her rack a few times. Maybe I called her sugar tits. You should see some of the tops this braud wears."
Unfortunately the mayor was relected last November so it looks like we are stuck with him for the next four years. The mayor won by a narrow margin before going on to ruin Christmas. Many will remember Christmas of 2008. The year the mayor restricted air space over the city preventing Santa Clause from reaching half the children. Santa Clause never came because he didn't feel that is was fair for everyone.
Unfortunately the mayor was relected last November so it looks like we are stuck with him for the next four years. The mayor won by a narrow margin before going on to ruin Christmas. Many will remember Christmas of 2008. The year the mayor restricted air space over the city preventing Santa Clause from reaching half the children. Santa Clause never came because he didn't feel that is was fair for everyone.
Monday, February 2, 2009
West Michigan Man Arrested For Sex Crimes
A west Michigan man, Brent Vaalburg(23), has been arrested for crimes ranging from intent to sell sexual paraphenelia to minors to masturbating in public. Apparently Ottawa County deputies found Vaalburg spanking his monkey in an elementary school bathroom. When asked why he chose the children's bathroom he responded, "Because I wanted to sell a dildo to some little brat. Thought I might rub one out while I was waiting."
The police were not amused. Vaalburg finds himself being charged with some serious felonies. Bail has been set at 10% of $50,000. His lawyer is asking for mercy from the court, stating that his client has been under severe stress stemming from work, school, and relationships.
*This is a parody. I should probably make that clear so that my friend doesn't sue me for libel.
The police were not amused. Vaalburg finds himself being charged with some serious felonies. Bail has been set at 10% of $50,000. His lawyer is asking for mercy from the court, stating that his client has been under severe stress stemming from work, school, and relationships.
*This is a parody. I should probably make that clear so that my friend doesn't sue me for libel.
Super Bowl Champions- Sixburgh
Hello sports fans. Football season is over and the Pittsburgh Steelers are the champions. Many doubted the champs and some will say that they didn't earn it. To those, I say Fuck You! This team had undeniably the hardest schedule in all of the NFL. Determination and hard work were the main ingrediants in this dish called victory.
I must give respect to the Cardinals but they were never going to win. Even had the refs called Warner's fumble an incomplete pass, the defense wouldn't have allowed the Cards a touch down with one chance left. The Steelers don't typically allow teams many chances to score, hence the number one defense.
The Pittsburgh Steelers are one of the greatest franchises out of the four major sports in America. When you are that good, haters will try to discredit anything that is accomplished. People who have never felt the delightful high from their team winning the big game. These people are bitter and I can empathize. I would probably be angry if my team always sucked. Hell, I'm angry when they don't make it to the playoffs. I couldn't imagine being a fan of a team that struggles just to win a game.
My prediction for next year is that the Steelers repeat. Their schedule will be about a hundred times easier which will help them on their path to a seventh ring. Teams like the Lions, Chiefs, and Raiders are just a few of the shitty teams that they will face(sorry Lions' fans....someday they will be good. Look at the Cards). The black and gold dynasty is back. I thought you knew.
*Looks like my good friend, Joe Versandal, lost a bet to me. Time to pay up Joe. Time to get your beautiful, Steelers tattoo.
I must give respect to the Cardinals but they were never going to win. Even had the refs called Warner's fumble an incomplete pass, the defense wouldn't have allowed the Cards a touch down with one chance left. The Steelers don't typically allow teams many chances to score, hence the number one defense.
The Pittsburgh Steelers are one of the greatest franchises out of the four major sports in America. When you are that good, haters will try to discredit anything that is accomplished. People who have never felt the delightful high from their team winning the big game. These people are bitter and I can empathize. I would probably be angry if my team always sucked. Hell, I'm angry when they don't make it to the playoffs. I couldn't imagine being a fan of a team that struggles just to win a game.
My prediction for next year is that the Steelers repeat. Their schedule will be about a hundred times easier which will help them on their path to a seventh ring. Teams like the Lions, Chiefs, and Raiders are just a few of the shitty teams that they will face(sorry Lions' fans....someday they will be good. Look at the Cards). The black and gold dynasty is back. I thought you knew.
*Looks like my good friend, Joe Versandal, lost a bet to me. Time to pay up Joe. Time to get your beautiful, Steelers tattoo.
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