Never Plead Guilty

On a cold winter day in February of 2008 in the town of Holland, Michigan; a sneaky, little, dirty, filfthy, atrocious, repulsive Ottawa County Deputy tried to harm yours truly. Physically...No. However, had Deputy Douglas, A.K.A. Deputy Dickless had his way, I'm sure I may have sustained an injury or two. No, this swine intended on hurting me another way- by LYING.
A friend of mine, we'll call him Bill(25 yrs. of age) in order to protect the innocent, brought an obnoxious 18 yr. old female to my home uninvited. They had apparently been drinking. This much was obvious. When the female asked for a beer, I told her no.
Now in order for me to explain the story to the reader I must back track. Please be patient. My home, at the time, was considered a party house(comparible in some ways to Animal House). So the men in brown uniforms, which are ironically the same color as feces, were not big fans of mine. In fact from May of 2007-Feb.2008, the police had been to my home on 22 different occasions.
This time in particular they were looking for an Alward Williams who had a bench warrant in our neighboring county of Allegan. Who is this mysterious man? And who in the hell names their child Alward?
There I sat on the couch watching the movie Dune. My girlfriend, at the time, informs me that my guest, Bill, is requesting a ride home. "Thank God", I said to myself. My lady friend decided to take them home. That was when the shit hit the fan. They leave, so I thought, but I was terribly wrong. A phone call came through from my girl, yet nobody responded to my greeting, "hello". Time to investigate. I walked over to the window, facing my driveway, and saw something that will stop any criminal's heart... the police. I thought to myself, "What do I do? Do I run? Do I hide? Wait a second, I'm actually innocent."
I approached the drive by asking the question, "What the Fuck are you savage pricks doing on my property?" Response, "We are here looking for Alward Williams. Is he inside?" "Who in the Fuck is Alward Williams?", I asked. Response, "Do you know that 18 yr. old girl? And do you know that she has been drinking?" "She hasn't been drinking here. Talk to Bill. He brought her over." I said.
The police gathered in a huddle similar to a football team ready to set up a play. The huddle breaks. Whats the score? What down is it and is the ball anywhere near the first down? These are the questions that were bearing down on my brain. Am I safe? The deputy, who is quarter backing this thing, informs me that I was about to be arrested for Furnishing a place for minors to consume. "But I have a job interview in the morning. Perhaps you can give me a ticket and let me go about my way, sir.", I pleaded. Response, "Have to take you in. Place your hands behind your back."
Let me explain to the reader what kind of man that we are actually talking about. En route to the county jail, Deputy Dickless pulls over a vehicle for going 5mph over the speed limit. "You have got to be fucking kidding me, Douglas?" I asked aloud. No response to my complaint. Eventually, we made it to the jail house where I had my first chance to read the 18 yr. old's statement. Verbatim: I snuck two beers from Abe's refridgerator and drank them on his basement stairs. End of statement.
I posted bail after my blood alcohol level of .01 decreased to .000. Not very drunk for me, who at the risk of sounding like I'm bragging, has been up to .33. Close to death for a normal drinker but not for this booze guzzling drunk.
The court date was set up for late March around my birthday. I plead not guilty and was provided counsel through the state. Court dates had been postponed as is typical. Finally, judgement day. There is no way for me to properly describe the anxiety and adrenaline that raced through my blood stream. My chest felt as light as a feather yet constricted like a python was wrapping its body around mine. It is a feeling of pending doom. A high that I wouldn't wish on most people. A high that would cause most to panic and have the desire to fling themselves off the courthouse roof. I was calm on the outside but dying on the inside.
Surprisingly, my attorney was sharper than most court appointed lawyers. There was hope after all and he believed in our defense. Deputy Dickless was present and looking like a Nazi war criminal. Shirt and pants ironed and starched. Hair short and shaved around the ears. A look of determination was plastered on his face. He was ready to take the stand.
Defense Attorney: "Did you read the young ladies' statement, stating that she had snuck the beers from Mr. Young's refridgerator?"
Dickless: "Not verbatim."
Defense Attorney: "Why was my client arrested?"
Deputy Dickless: "She told me that Mr. Young had allowed her to drink."
Defense Attorney: "How much time had gone by from her verbal statement to her written statement?"
Deputy Dickless: "Maybe 5 minutes."
Defense Attorney: "And you never questioned why her statements didn't match?"
Deputy Dickless: "No"
Defense Attorney: "Well, ladies and gentleman of the jury, this has to be the worst case of police work in the history of Ottawa Co."
The deputy also stated that I had admitted to being guilty and said that I would never allow minors to drink at my home again, if he were to let me go with a ticket. HORSE SHIT! Other witnesses were heard from including the minor who testified that she stole the beer without my consent. The jury deliberated and came back with a NOT GUILTY verdict.
Let this be a lesson to those of you who are thinking about pleading guilty. Stand up and fight. Maybe some day you to will have the pleasure of watching a prosecutor and a deputy lose a case before your very own eyes. The anticipation building before and during the trial were nothing compared to the high I felt when I heard the words "NOT GUILTY."

New Years Eve

Well, if it isn't my favorite holiday all over again. That is unless you count Thanks Giving because there is no way to thank a brown, indiginous people for dying than by eating a shit load of turkey. Back to New Years.
New Years is a chance for everyone to start over. Some set goals in their daily life, others in their personal life. Everyone seems to be in high spirits and everyone seems confident that the new year will better than the year before. HORSE SHIT!
Lets not kid ourselves anymore. Idea- no more resolutions if you're not even going to try. I hate hearing a friend say, "My New Years resolution is to quit smoking." Then you see this person a week later smoking fucking fags.* The only resolution I make is to try and get laid more often. You know what? I don't even try. Some years I get laid a lot and others I don't.
For now on try to look at the bigger picture. Think about how the years continue to fly by at an astronomical rate. Funny the older you get the faster they go. Think about the things that happened that will become history. Remember times that you shared with family and friends. Maybe it's just me but I'd rather reflect on the past than lie to myself about the future.

*Fag was a slang word used to describe cigarettes in the mid 20th century.

A Love Letter To Sarah Palin

Dearest Sarah,

I'm writing this letter to let you know how I feel about you. Truthfully, it has been hard since you have been out of the spot light. My nights are restless with thoughts of you keeping me awake. Then when I do get to sleep, I find it hard to drag myself out of bed. Things were going so good. What happened? Was it something I said or did? I voted for you and McCain. Apparently that wasn't enough to keep you around.
If only you'd come back. I'll quit drinking. I know I've said that before but now I'm ready. I'm ready to prove to the world that I'm finally ready to take you on as my VP. If only you'd be my VP. You're more beautiful than that asshole, Biden.
Let me count the ways I love you: 1) I love that cute little accent. I'd love to hear you talk dirty. Maybe you could talk about clean coal when we made love. 2) You're from a foreign country. I never even heard of this Alaska place until the election. I guess that explains the accent. 3) No offense Govenor Palin- but you got it goin on. Nice large bust, pretty brown hair, and a face that is just stunning.
If you should happen to change your mind about being my VP, please call. I havn't changed my number. I'd very much appreciate it. I'd rather have you as a VP but friends will do.

Love Forever, Abe

5 Ways Not To Get Shot In The Head

5) Don't go looking for crack in the ghetto
4) Don't run into a courthouse screaming, "Praise Allah!"
3) Don't hang out with Plaxico Burress
2) Don't shoot yourself in the head
1) Don't throw your shoes at George W. Bush

"Playoffs, Playoffs?"

Thank God it's that time of year. Time for over eating, drinking heavily, and screaming at the television. Oh wait, that's all year long. Time to narrow it down. Who will it be?
The Eagles crept in after beating Dallas. Who would've thought. The ungrateful, savage fans of Philly have been calling for the head of McNabb and Andy Reid. What the fuck is wrong with these people? McNabb and Andy Reid have taken the Eagles to four NFC Championships, one Super Bowl, and how many other playoff appearences. And there going this year after a slightly better than mediocre year.
Then we have teams like the Cardinals (NFC West) and the Chargers (AFC West). I have an idea. When your division is that terrible, you don't get to go. Impress me- win at least 10 games. I am happy for the Cardinals though. Here is a team that hasn't won a division since 1975 and won't win another for the next 30 years. Good luck- make the best of it. I'm rooting for the Chargers on account of them getting fucked over by Ed Hoculees, the ref who may have lost the game for them in the beginning of the season against the Broncos. Ironically the Chargers beat the Broncos in their second meeting of the season to win the AFC West. Ball Don't Lie!
Miami is in it after having a terrible season last year (1-15). I'm not particulary a Dolphins fan but anything is better than the Patriots. Plus I hate the fucking Ravens. Go Dolphins!
The Minnesota Vikings- who gives a shit. The NFC North is about as exciting as my penis having a cathedor shoved in it. It stings to watch it on television. Don't even get me started on the Lions (0-16). I'd rather be gang raped than watch one more loss by the Lions.
My predictions for the first week of the playoffs. Eagles beat Vikings (17-13). Falcons beat Cardinals (24-21). Ravens beat Dolphins (14-9). Colts beat Chargers (21-9).

Savage Dating Service

Looking for:
1) A woman who knows when to keep her trap shut.
2) Doesn't mind if I hit on her sister.
3) Doesn't mind if I piss myself after a night of drinking.
4) A real go getter, a chic who is willing to run to the beer store for me.
5) Has at least $500 in bail money at all times.
6) Cooks all the meals.
7) Accepts criticism with a smile.
8) Must keep clean shave.
9) Doesn't look at other men
10)Willing to have threesomes with other girls

Change

There once was a man with a strong voice. He preached change and said that it was the people's choice. He would look off into the distance. So wise was he, the one who listened. Change, change, change. Everything is going to change. Change, change, change. Everything is going to change.
History was made and a lot of people got laid. It was already working, people were porking. Then the day came when change was on the horizon. A celebration commenced but nothing was rising; except taxes, federal spending, and the deficit. Ah, piss on it.
Change, change, change. Nothing is going to change. Change, change, change. Nothing is going to change.

Child Killed By Dildo

DesMoines, IA Dec.25 2008

Christmas will never be the same for the Johnson family again. Kyle Johnson, age 11, and neighborhood friend, Scott Thompson, also age 11, were snooping for gifts Christmas Eve when the unthinkable happened. Scott Thompson came across a vibrating, sex toy. The sex toy; a large, black dildo was turned on by Thompson. The boy lost control of the toy, due to lubricants that were caked on the member. The large, black cock took a funny bounce and hit Johnson in the temple killing him instantly.
Sarah Johnson, Kyle's mother, was taken into custody and released on Christmas Day. Detective Jim Dingleberry, the superior officer running the investigation, was quoted saying, "Accidents happen. I think the family is going through enough right now. Lets not forget that dildos don't kill people, people kill people.
Mothers Against Fake Dicks(MAFD) released a statement pertaining to the case. MAFD spokeswoman Sharon Peters was quoted saying, "We have warned the public about the dangers of fake dicks. Accidents like this will continue to happen. The parents should be held accountable. This is a very sad day. We need your support. Please write your local congressman and tell them the voters will not stand for the legal sale of Dildos in your district."
Funeral arrangements have been made and the public is invited. The wake will take place at the church of Latter Day Saints and he funeral will be at your MOM'S BITCH!

What Was Tomlin Thinking?

The Steelers came into week 17, 11-4. A win, although nice, was not neccesary for Pittsburgh's chances in the playoffs. The team was already awarded the bye week after earning the number two spot. Ben Rothlisberger, Pittsburgh's quater back was injured during the second quarter and was carted off the field on a strecther. This raises the question- What the FUCK was Tomlin thinking when he started Ben? Ben has been banged up and sacked more than any other quaterback in the leauge. Was one more week of rest too much to ask for? Fortunately, the injury was not as serious as it seemed on the old T.V. Cautionary steps were taken when Ben was taken off the field and he suffered only from a concussion. Still, it could have been much worse. Byron Leftwich, Pittsburgh's Second string QB, had no issues running the offense in Ben's abscence. I mean were talking about the fucking Browns, people. So once again- What the FUCK was Tomlin thinking.