Never Plead Guilty

On a cold winter day in February of 2008 in the town of Holland, Michigan; a sneaky, little, dirty, filfthy, atrocious, repulsive Ottawa County Deputy tried to harm yours truly. Physically...No. However, had Deputy Douglas, A.K.A. Deputy Dickless had his way, I'm sure I may have sustained an injury or two. No, this swine intended on hurting me another way- by LYING.
A friend of mine, we'll call him Bill(25 yrs. of age) in order to protect the innocent, brought an obnoxious 18 yr. old female to my home uninvited. They had apparently been drinking. This much was obvious. When the female asked for a beer, I told her no.
Now in order for me to explain the story to the reader I must back track. Please be patient. My home, at the time, was considered a party house(comparible in some ways to Animal House). So the men in brown uniforms, which are ironically the same color as feces, were not big fans of mine. In fact from May of 2007-Feb.2008, the police had been to my home on 22 different occasions.
This time in particular they were looking for an Alward Williams who had a bench warrant in our neighboring county of Allegan. Who is this mysterious man? And who in the hell names their child Alward?
There I sat on the couch watching the movie Dune. My girlfriend, at the time, informs me that my guest, Bill, is requesting a ride home. "Thank God", I said to myself. My lady friend decided to take them home. That was when the shit hit the fan. They leave, so I thought, but I was terribly wrong. A phone call came through from my girl, yet nobody responded to my greeting, "hello". Time to investigate. I walked over to the window, facing my driveway, and saw something that will stop any criminal's heart... the police. I thought to myself, "What do I do? Do I run? Do I hide? Wait a second, I'm actually innocent."
I approached the drive by asking the question, "What the Fuck are you savage pricks doing on my property?" Response, "We are here looking for Alward Williams. Is he inside?" "Who in the Fuck is Alward Williams?", I asked. Response, "Do you know that 18 yr. old girl? And do you know that she has been drinking?" "She hasn't been drinking here. Talk to Bill. He brought her over." I said.
The police gathered in a huddle similar to a football team ready to set up a play. The huddle breaks. Whats the score? What down is it and is the ball anywhere near the first down? These are the questions that were bearing down on my brain. Am I safe? The deputy, who is quarter backing this thing, informs me that I was about to be arrested for Furnishing a place for minors to consume. "But I have a job interview in the morning. Perhaps you can give me a ticket and let me go about my way, sir.", I pleaded. Response, "Have to take you in. Place your hands behind your back."
Let me explain to the reader what kind of man that we are actually talking about. En route to the county jail, Deputy Dickless pulls over a vehicle for going 5mph over the speed limit. "You have got to be fucking kidding me, Douglas?" I asked aloud. No response to my complaint. Eventually, we made it to the jail house where I had my first chance to read the 18 yr. old's statement. Verbatim: I snuck two beers from Abe's refridgerator and drank them on his basement stairs. End of statement.
I posted bail after my blood alcohol level of .01 decreased to .000. Not very drunk for me, who at the risk of sounding like I'm bragging, has been up to .33. Close to death for a normal drinker but not for this booze guzzling drunk.
The court date was set up for late March around my birthday. I plead not guilty and was provided counsel through the state. Court dates had been postponed as is typical. Finally, judgement day. There is no way for me to properly describe the anxiety and adrenaline that raced through my blood stream. My chest felt as light as a feather yet constricted like a python was wrapping its body around mine. It is a feeling of pending doom. A high that I wouldn't wish on most people. A high that would cause most to panic and have the desire to fling themselves off the courthouse roof. I was calm on the outside but dying on the inside.
Surprisingly, my attorney was sharper than most court appointed lawyers. There was hope after all and he believed in our defense. Deputy Dickless was present and looking like a Nazi war criminal. Shirt and pants ironed and starched. Hair short and shaved around the ears. A look of determination was plastered on his face. He was ready to take the stand.
Defense Attorney: "Did you read the young ladies' statement, stating that she had snuck the beers from Mr. Young's refridgerator?"
Dickless: "Not verbatim."
Defense Attorney: "Why was my client arrested?"
Deputy Dickless: "She told me that Mr. Young had allowed her to drink."
Defense Attorney: "How much time had gone by from her verbal statement to her written statement?"
Deputy Dickless: "Maybe 5 minutes."
Defense Attorney: "And you never questioned why her statements didn't match?"
Deputy Dickless: "No"
Defense Attorney: "Well, ladies and gentleman of the jury, this has to be the worst case of police work in the history of Ottawa Co."
The deputy also stated that I had admitted to being guilty and said that I would never allow minors to drink at my home again, if he were to let me go with a ticket. HORSE SHIT! Other witnesses were heard from including the minor who testified that she stole the beer without my consent. The jury deliberated and came back with a NOT GUILTY verdict.
Let this be a lesson to those of you who are thinking about pleading guilty. Stand up and fight. Maybe some day you to will have the pleasure of watching a prosecutor and a deputy lose a case before your very own eyes. The anticipation building before and during the trial were nothing compared to the high I felt when I heard the words "NOT GUILTY."