A west Michigan man, Brent Vaalburg(23), has been arrested for crimes ranging from intent to sell sexual paraphenelia to minors to masturbating in public. Apparently Ottawa County deputies found Vaalburg spanking his monkey in an elementary school bathroom. When asked why he chose the children's bathroom he responded, "Because I wanted to sell a dildo to some little brat. Thought I might rub one out while I was waiting."
The police were not amused. Vaalburg finds himself being charged with some serious felonies. Bail has been set at 10% of $50,000. His lawyer is asking for mercy from the court, stating that his client has been under severe stress stemming from work, school, and relationships.
*This is a parody. I should probably make that clear so that my friend doesn't sue me for libel.
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